Turns out that I’m just not very interesting.
Turns out that I’m just not very interesting.
Like life, I’m a little temperamental.
You too… you all, too. Because that’s just what we do.
Things are fine, and I hope yer fine, too.
"The planet does not need more ‘successful people’. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds. It needs people to live well in their places. It needs people with moral courage willing to join the struggle to make the world habitable and humane and these qualities have little to do with success as our culture is the set."
Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama (via Swanfeather Songs)
While holding an open copy of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Classical Mythology in one hand and plucking away at a keyboard with another, my cell phone goes hot. I recognize the number as Sheldon’s and feel a great relief in knowing that the conversation will be carried with the kind of brevity that stern talkings-to require. Ten minutes until the assignment deadline which I’ve only just begun and I really can’t afford the distractions, nor can I afford airline tickets and feasible schedule alterations at work - hence the call.
“Quit that fucking job. Just quit it. Tell your boss to fuck himself, or tell him to call me so I can say it. You know I’m connected, and you know I can have you newer, better job in a matter of days. So just quit.”
Labor Day weekend begins Friday and that means one thing: Vantage, WA. It’s been a few years since my last appearance, and so I owe it to everyone, my youngest sister most of all (who is making her first trip this year). Because of finances, and because of conflict with work, by all appearances I would have to gracefully bow out yet another year. I think that the excuses, no matter their supreme validity (despite their unfairness) are simply inexcusable at this point. It is a relief to see that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
The simple facts are this: at Bumsted’s I had three shifts to cover. Friday close, Saturday mid, and Sunday open. Due to short staffing it is nearly impossible to have this shifts covered matter-of-factly. Friday required getting one cook to stay two hours over his opening shift and having another part-time employee cover the remainder, but only under the condition that he was the first cut closer. Saturday required twenty bones to get a closing man in three hours early. Sunday - because somethings are just - was a simple ‘ask and you shall receive’ incident.
This left one four hour day shift to cover at the other gig. From the start this was my only easy-out, and I’d made sure to set it up early. Somehow, despite the simplicity of the request, it can no longer be met. I’m not even sure why, my only indication being, “Hey, sorry man, I just can’t do it.” That’s all good and great, man, and you just cost me $500.
My entire flight schedule is dependent on this single failure to cover a shift (something, I assure you, I am owed). The reason for this is that I have one counterpart at work - if both of us were to hypothetically fall ill, there is literally no-one to fill in at our position. There isn’t even another employee to step in and try to fake it. Owners included we rock a five-man crew in a restaurant that requires a constant on-clock staff of four. There are no back-ups. It’s called poor staffing and business structure, but hey, it’s not my rodeo apparently. I just wave the flag and make the bulls charge, never mind should anyone get stomped. The conditions are rough to deal with in times like these, and what little sympathy is found certainly lacks. I really ought to quit.
My hang-ups are there, though. Barring this kind of bullshit, the owners are excellent. They’ve done everything above and beyond what I’d ever have expected to help me in times of need. They cancelled a new hire’s training to give me my job back after an ill-attempt of relocating. They’ve offered me living arrangements… they’ve contributed to helping me solve many great personal problems. They’re great people who care greatly about their employees. They just don’t care much about our vacations, all one day of them.
I do have my suspicions though… suspicions that I’m levied against more heavily than my two coworkers because of my experience and status. I’m first in line to run the place, should the need arise, and I’m the one - well above the others - that is reliant. I’ve earned all the badges and am worthy. They’ve received an amount of attentiveness from me that is rare in any industry, but as with many before them, I feel they may be beginning to expect too much of a good thing and are now sternly trying to reign it in and milk it for all it’s worth.
Sheldon hit the nail on the head: I should quit. Want to quit, really. But because of the unpreparedness… because of the inability of these good people to fully thrive in good times without their reliance on me, my morals are telling me know. I’m unsure as to how I should actually feel about this because logically it makes sense, but in my gut (and a tad in that vascular-doo-hickey heart thing) it feels incorrect. Shit, they’re about to be first time parents for God’s sake. They have a rough enough time without the little squirt - and you can bet your ass that to carry on, they’re going to need me at the reigns when one of them is gone.
I feel like I deserve to move on to something better.
I feel like they don’t deserve my abandonment, at least not now.
I feel really uncertain about what to do. Everyone else has their mind made up for me, and they’ve all chimed in with the resounding ‘quit!’
Not sure if my heart is hearing it correctly.
I just want to tell you how beautiful you are, but I can’t. I can’t, because I understand the implications. I can’t because I understand the complications. I can’t, because I understand how you feel.
But I want to, because I just don’t know how to change how I feel.
You’re beautiful, and I hope you feel that way. It’s all that you deserve. And I hope that someone makes you feel it.
Thought that I just saw you
Sorry, I know this is gross, but I really need motivation to not smoke right now.
Gotta get dat…